you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
