Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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