as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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