Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
