I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
