so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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