Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
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He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
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Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize