do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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