Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
