dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
