im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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