Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
