he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
