I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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