Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Watching her eat just hurts me
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
