You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
