i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
