You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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