Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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