wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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