and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Randomize
