Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
