It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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