I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
