i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
