I feel like I'm in dance class right now
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
