you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I don't deserve a penis
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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