Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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