Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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