you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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