Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
