They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
