the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
