i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
