wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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