They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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