I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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