it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Help. Why am I so naked?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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