There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You are a genius and a whore.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
