We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
