OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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