We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
