Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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