On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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