I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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