I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
