she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
