I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
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He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
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See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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