girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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