and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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