Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I got inside last night via doggy door
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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