Your dad touched me again.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
