Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
