I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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