Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
being pregnant is like rehab
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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